Time for a hiatus

Well I've gotten down to 80 kilos which I am very proud of. 25 kilos lost, 5 kilos to go. At this point in time I'm happy to maintain that. Who would have thought at the beginning of this year that I would say I had lost 25 kilos!

I started this journey to try and get some semblance of control in my life. I've lost lots of family, more than anybody should at 48. My mum when I was 13, my brother when I was 20, they were the major ones, the ones who were part of my childhood, part of what makes me me. Other family and friends over the years, I spent my years very sad and drunk, trying to meet Mr Right and establish my own family. Struggles with alcohol dependency, high cigarette usage, the occasional hash cookie or bong, it could have been much worse but it was bad enough. I married Paul and our 3 babies came along, then I had found what I was missing. The love I had for my mum, my all consuming grief over her passing had eased with the love I had of my own children.

Despite my oldest - Beth - having autism and my youngest - Bridie - having high anxiety, (our middle child is Bill) our live has been lovely, the usual money troubles, arguments and parenting squabbles are there of course but for the most part I've felt blessed with a beautiful family and wonderful friends.

Last year I started studying after not being able to get a job, counselling. I want to be a case worker when I grow up and counselling is the start to living my dream. It was a hard year last year. My study was fabulous but my aunty died in February and she was the mum to me after my own mum died. She looked after us, she was at my sister's kids births, she was my mother of the bride, she was a wonderful woman. Then my dad died in August. It was just awful, the worst adult year of my life. I deferred my studies as dad was sick before he passed so obviously I couldn't concentrate, could barely function.

By the end of 2014 I decided that 2015 would be wonderful, I just had to get to the end of the year. I started my rapid loss program at the beginning of January and I didn't look back. I started the journey at 105 kilos, bigger than I'd ever been in my life. I decided I would make it my focus, that and finishing my diploma. My weight was something I could choose to change, something I had control over. And I have, for the most part I have. The challenge was for 16 weeks and during that time I lost 22 kilos, 3 kilos since it ended. My goal is to get to 75 kilos and I will get there.

My regular readers know but I'll share it anyway. At week 10 a benign brain tumour was discovered. For fucks sakes, what more! I will be having it removed in 2 weeks and 2 days. On the 24th of June. I decided to keep going with my weight loss, after all, it didn't make me not big, having a brain tumour. And I would be in a great position for surgery. After giving up smoking in 2001 and drinking in 2006 my weight has been my only big issue. I've had other friends discover tumours and worse during this time and it just shows me, for the first time really, how mortal I am, how I am not invincible. I am 50 next year, I can't wait to start my second half century feeling fabulous.

I have decided however that it's time to take a break. I did my challenge and lost most of my weight and will continue on with the lessons I've learnt with the fabulous Rapid Loss program. I have made some lovely friends on the way and have really gained so much from the staff and the other forum participants. My challenge is over for the time being now and my next challenge is to get this stupid tumour out of my head. I'm feeling like crap most of the time at the moment, I have shocking headaches and I am rather dizzy a lot. So I am giving myself a rest and letting myself just be. Sadly I'm one of those people who seems to put weight on in hospital seeing as I love hospital food! But I think it will be different this time. They say I may not even want to eat for 3 or so days as I'll be laid up for over a week, then another week in a rehab facility. I am glad I lost my weight of my own accord. I did it because I worked hard, I ate well and I persevered. Not because I am not well but despite it. So if anybody is reading this and thinking they can't do it, I am proof that if you really want to, you can. You are in control of this. Maybe not other things, but you can control this. You have to be in the right head space, that's an absolute must, but if you want it, grab it.

Thanks for reading. It really has meant the world to me to have your support and friendship, comments and encouragement. I will be back after the operation, letting you know how I am doing with my sexy new scar. See you on the flip side! xxx