Well I've gotten down to 80 kilos which I am very proud of. 25 kilos lost, 5 kilos to go. At this point in time I'm happy to maintain that. Who would have thought at the beginning of this year that I would say I had lost 25 kilos!
I started this journey to try and get some semblance of control in my life. I've lost lots of family, more than anybody should at 48. My mum when I was 13, my brother when I was 20, they were the major ones, the ones who were part of my childhood, part of what makes me me. Other family and friends over the years, I spent my years very sad and drunk, trying to meet Mr Right and establish my own family. Struggles with alcohol dependency, high cigarette usage, the occasional hash cookie or bong, it could have been much worse but it was bad enough. I married Paul and our 3 babies came along, then I had found what I was missing. The love I had for my mum, my all consuming grief over her passing had eased with the love I had of my own children.
Despite my oldest - Beth - having autism and my youngest - Bridie - having high anxiety, (our middle child is Bill) our live has been lovely, the usual money troubles, arguments and parenting squabbles are there of course but for the most part I've felt blessed with a beautiful family and wonderful friends.
Last year I started studying after not being able to get a job, counselling. I want to be a case worker when I grow up and counselling is the start to living my dream. It was a hard year last year. My study was fabulous but my aunty died in February and she was the mum to me after my own mum died. She looked after us, she was at my sister's kids births, she was my mother of the bride, she was a wonderful woman. Then my dad died in August. It was just awful, the worst adult year of my life. I deferred my studies as dad was sick before he passed so obviously I couldn't concentrate, could barely function.
By the end of 2014 I decided that 2015 would be wonderful, I just had to get to the end of the year. I started my rapid loss program at the beginning of January and I didn't look back. I started the journey at 105 kilos, bigger than I'd ever been in my life. I decided I would make it my focus, that and finishing my diploma. My weight was something I could choose to change, something I had control over. And I have, for the most part I have. The challenge was for 16 weeks and during that time I lost 22 kilos, 3 kilos since it ended. My goal is to get to 75 kilos and I will get there.
My regular readers know but I'll share it anyway. At week 10 a benign brain tumour was discovered. For fucks sakes, what more! I will be having it removed in 2 weeks and 2 days. On the 24th of June. I decided to keep going with my weight loss, after all, it didn't make me not big, having a brain tumour. And I would be in a great position for surgery. After giving up smoking in 2001 and drinking in 2006 my weight has been my only big issue. I've had other friends discover tumours and worse during this time and it just shows me, for the first time really, how mortal I am, how I am not invincible. I am 50 next year, I can't wait to start my second half century feeling fabulous.
I have decided however that it's time to take a break. I did my challenge and lost most of my weight and will continue on with the lessons I've learnt with the fabulous Rapid Loss program. I have made some lovely friends on the way and have really gained so much from the staff and the other forum participants. My challenge is over for the time being now and my next challenge is to get this stupid tumour out of my head. I'm feeling like crap most of the time at the moment, I have shocking headaches and I am rather dizzy a lot. So I am giving myself a rest and letting myself just be. Sadly I'm one of those people who seems to put weight on in hospital seeing as I love hospital food! But I think it will be different this time. They say I may not even want to eat for 3 or so days as I'll be laid up for over a week, then another week in a rehab facility. I am glad I lost my weight of my own accord. I did it because I worked hard, I ate well and I persevered. Not because I am not well but despite it. So if anybody is reading this and thinking they can't do it, I am proof that if you really want to, you can. You are in control of this. Maybe not other things, but you can control this. You have to be in the right head space, that's an absolute must, but if you want it, grab it.
Thanks for reading. It really has meant the world to me to have your support and friendship, comments and encouragement. I will be back after the operation, letting you know how I am doing with my sexy new scar. See you on the flip side! xxx
Sunday 7 June 2015
Monday 1 June 2015
Week 4 after competition ends, 80.4 kilos - 0.5 kilos lost this week
It's weekly weigh in time so I thought I'd continue on and pop my photos up. I've lost 0.5 kilos this week so pretty happy with that seeing as I've been pretty naughty this week.
I've realised a few things. One of them is that I must have eaten crap all the time before starting on rapid loss. I really was unconsciously filling my face with so many foods that weren't good for me. It's a battle to mentally have to say no as my desire to have these foods is still there to an extent. Often I don't want them but habit tells me that I do. Also, being on stage 3 is lovely, but it also means that a lot of the decisions are up to me. I like this as it gives me flexibility, but I have to not push the boundaries, just because I can have something doesn't mean that I should. It would be so easy to slip back in to my old ways but I know that would give me no control anymore, something that I am enjoying now. I also mean that I would put weight on again and I just don't think I could cope with that again. I WILL make this the last time I have to go through this struggle, and I have to accept that this means having to look at things and act differently from now on. I don't have to be an all or nothing person, I can have my treats but reign myself in. The old me wants to just pig out at times though but by George she won't win!
The challenge deadline has been extended for the competition so now people have until November to start the program. The end date was originally last week. People who started are allowed to have a second chance try. I guess we've all been there, thought we could do something and things have gotten in the way and it hasn't worked out the way we hoped. I do like that people who have done the challenge already, who have more to lose, can enter more than once. They are in the competition anyway and it really does give you the boost you need to keep going. Writing it on the contestant dashboard, you date and your current photo. I'm a tad disappointed at the extension though. I've done things by the book and have been really proud of myself, I was looking forward to October 12th to find out if I would be in the finalists going to Fiji. I guess next year would be good though, I am turning 50 so it would be a great treat for myself!
I'm still waiting for my op. 3 weeks tomorrow. I can't wait to have it over and done with. One of my best friends had a tumour removed 2 weeks ago and she's doing so well. I plan on having a similar outcome. I went to IKEA yesterday with some of the school mums which was lovely. I did have a big cooked breakfast but was a good girl afterwards, having the chicken salad for lunch, and a shake for dinner. Getting back on track really is the key. Oh and it was lovely, I got pushed around in a wheelchair, feeling like Lady Muck, it really is the only way to go!
Here's my photos for this week. It's funny, in the shower this morning I was already looking down and thinking how big my tummy looked. Then I look at it from the side in the mirror and it's really not. Funny how our minds tell us the shit stuff instead of the good stuff! Not sure how they'll look but let's see. I'll put the first week in too, just because it always makes me feel good! So, this week (with a surprise visitor, my daughter's cat - Dwight), last week and the first week.
I've realised a few things. One of them is that I must have eaten crap all the time before starting on rapid loss. I really was unconsciously filling my face with so many foods that weren't good for me. It's a battle to mentally have to say no as my desire to have these foods is still there to an extent. Often I don't want them but habit tells me that I do. Also, being on stage 3 is lovely, but it also means that a lot of the decisions are up to me. I like this as it gives me flexibility, but I have to not push the boundaries, just because I can have something doesn't mean that I should. It would be so easy to slip back in to my old ways but I know that would give me no control anymore, something that I am enjoying now. I also mean that I would put weight on again and I just don't think I could cope with that again. I WILL make this the last time I have to go through this struggle, and I have to accept that this means having to look at things and act differently from now on. I don't have to be an all or nothing person, I can have my treats but reign myself in. The old me wants to just pig out at times though but by George she won't win!
The challenge deadline has been extended for the competition so now people have until November to start the program. The end date was originally last week. People who started are allowed to have a second chance try. I guess we've all been there, thought we could do something and things have gotten in the way and it hasn't worked out the way we hoped. I do like that people who have done the challenge already, who have more to lose, can enter more than once. They are in the competition anyway and it really does give you the boost you need to keep going. Writing it on the contestant dashboard, you date and your current photo. I'm a tad disappointed at the extension though. I've done things by the book and have been really proud of myself, I was looking forward to October 12th to find out if I would be in the finalists going to Fiji. I guess next year would be good though, I am turning 50 so it would be a great treat for myself!
I'm still waiting for my op. 3 weeks tomorrow. I can't wait to have it over and done with. One of my best friends had a tumour removed 2 weeks ago and she's doing so well. I plan on having a similar outcome. I went to IKEA yesterday with some of the school mums which was lovely. I did have a big cooked breakfast but was a good girl afterwards, having the chicken salad for lunch, and a shake for dinner. Getting back on track really is the key. Oh and it was lovely, I got pushed around in a wheelchair, feeling like Lady Muck, it really is the only way to go!
Here's my photos for this week. It's funny, in the shower this morning I was already looking down and thinking how big my tummy looked. Then I look at it from the side in the mirror and it's really not. Funny how our minds tell us the shit stuff instead of the good stuff! Not sure how they'll look but let's see. I'll put the first week in too, just because it always makes me feel good! So, this week (with a surprise visitor, my daughter's cat - Dwight), last week and the first week.
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